You're 32 Years Old, And You've Achieved Nothing. Jesus Christ Was Dead And Alive Again By 33. You Better Get Crackin'.

Think of it as a hobby. Something you do to relax. You're an "assassination enthusiast."

We don't know if any of you are aware of this, but it's a federal offense to make lascivious remarks on a television network broadcast. The penalty for this disgusting, un-American behavior is one year in prison, or a $10,000 fine. Or both! Anyone making a sick or subversive remark tonight will be arrested immediately. We then will personally escort the offender to federal prison for booking under edict number 364 of the Broadcasting Act.

We came up with a new game-show idea recently. It's called The Old Game. You got three old guys with loaded guns onstage. They look back at their lives, see who they were, what they accomplished, how close they came to realizing their dreams. The winner is the one who doesn't blow his brains out. He gets a refrigerator.

If killing your first man was like making love to your first woman, then you're ready to be a Deadspin advertiser. Click here to find out how.

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