Why We Must Invade Mali

FIFA's review of Koman Coulibaly won't answer the question of how someone with two lazy eyes and a day job as financial auditor for the notoriously corrupt Malian government was allowed to be a World Cup official in the first place.

As Patriotic Americans we can use this experience as yet another excuse to dismiss the sport of soccer altogether, turn inward, and concentrate instead on how amazingly well the Mets are doing while the rest of the world cowers helplessly before the arbitrary whims of brutish Sub Saharan thugs...or we can prove what commitment to the international soccer community truly means and strike back at Coulibaly with the kind of hooligan savagery a criminal of his stature deserves. Facebook attacks and Wikipedia wars don't lie, my fellow Americans. The hearts and minds of every last non-Slovenian fan of the effeminate communist sport of soccer are already with us. Odds are we'll be unearthing even more evidence of suspiciously purloined sports victories over the coming weeks as focus on Mali's barbaric legacy of trampling the human spirit intensifies. We are already being Tweeted as heroes; now let's be greeted as heroes.

I have military experience and I'm volunteering. I know nothing about the country other than its number-one export is despised World Cup referees, but that's only in keeping with the historical tradition of American military invasions. I'll bet they're a small country with almost no natural resources and a very small population. It'll be easy. Especially if everyone is as clueless as ol' Sleepy Eyes. Besides, Mali probably doesn't even support Israel.

Scott Thomas Beauchamp is a private security contractor.