What's The Difference Between John Elway And Barbaro?

Let's just get to what you probably want to know about me, Brian Hickey, the new weekend guy: How to throw me down into your basement well with Precious because you get rammy when swaddled in vulnerable soullessness on Saturdays and Sundays.

1) Mock John Elway. He is the Way and the Light. If you compare Him to a horse, I will find you and I will cut you.

2) Mock the fact that my wife and I named our first child after a high-school wrestler in an 80s movie. If you do, I will drop you like Louden Swain did Brian Shute. Then, I will cut you.

3) That's about it.

Up for exploitation: Cubs fandom (but too easy). Born in Jersey (so what if I think Snooki is strangely hot; she is). Live in Philly (so what if we puke on kids at Phillies games; we do). Best known for my inability to avoid speeding cars (it's my weakness). Convinced I'm of a higher moral order than Tim Fucking Tebow. (Side note: Fuck you too, McDaniels, you smarmy bitch. May Tom Cable whoop your ass twice a season.)

Want the full bio? Try www.brianphickey.com, twitter.com/brianhickey or read my daily work in the Metro Philadelphia, which will be the last newspaper standing, even after the machines rise up and take over. Until you get killed by an aluminum-can-spitting soda machine with a mind of its own, just meet me here on the weekends.

I aim to protect, sooth and educate you, Mr. Gumb, but I can't do it without your help so hit me up at tips@deadspin.com.