What Horrible Things Did We Do To Our Penises Last Year?

OK, so you’ve already learned about all the things we shoved inside ourselves last year. But what about our dangly bits? Rest assured, we punished them.

All patient descriptions taken verbatim from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits:

GRABBED BB GUN WHILE WRESTLING AND GOT SHOT IN PENIS

FELL DOWN STAIRS WITH A STICK FROM A TREE. HE HAD SHARPENED IT INTO AN ARROW POINTED END- STICK LANDED ON SCROTUM

MASTURBATING WHILE TAKING ON TELEPHONE WITH GIRLFRIEND, CRACKED HIS PENIS

MASHED HIS PENIS BETWEEN CAR TRUNK AND LAWN MOWER

DRIVING GO-CART, STRUCK CLOTHESLINE, STRIKING SCROTUM AGAINST SHAFT OF STEERING WHEEL

FELL ON MEAT THERMOMETER. PUNCTURE SCROTUM.

PENIS SHUT IN DRESSER DRAWER

HAD PENIS SURGERY LAST WEEK, SKIN GLUE STUCK TO DIAPER AND CAME OFF TODAY CAUSING UNCONTROLLABLE PENILE BLEEDING

PLAYING WITH CAR TOY PENIS CAUGHT IN WHEELS

HIT IN SCROTUM THIS MORNING BY CORNHOLE BEAN BAG

METAL RING ON PENIS SINCE LAST NIGHT. FELL ASLEEP WITH IT ON

SORES ON HIS PENIS 6 DAYS BEGAN AFTER HE SPRAYED LIDOCAINE SPRAY ON PENIS TO PROLONG ERECTION

NAKED RUNNING IN THE HOME WHEN HE TRIPPED OVER A LAMP CUTTING SCROTUM ON BULB

STEPPING OVER DOG GATE AT IN-LAWS’, MISSED STEP & CAME DOWN ON GATE ON TESTICLES

CAUGHT SELF ON FIRE W/ CUTTING TORCH. DX: SECOND DEGREE BURNS TO SCROTUM, PENIS, PERINEUM.

PLAYING WITH A KNIFE AND SUSTAINED A PENIS LACERATION

A ROCK WAS THROWN FROM A LAWN MOWER WHILE BROTHER WAS MOWING LAWN & PATIENT GOT HIT IN THE PENIS

HAD A MORTAR (TYPE B) FIREWORK EXPLODE IN HIS LAP.

STRING TIED AROUND BASE OF PENIS. STATES HAS IT TO KEEP AN ERECTION

LACERATED PENIS ON WRISTWATCH

PENIS PINCHED IN A BI-FOLD CLOSET DOOR

FELL INTO FAN CAUSING LACERATION SCROTUM

PUTTING ON PANTS THIS MORNING TOO QUICKLY, SCROTAL BRUISE

SCRATCHED HIS PENIS ON A PLASTIC BOTTLE WHILE TRYING TO URINATE IN IT

JUMPED OFF OF TOILET CATCHING SCROTUM ON POINTED TOWEL HOOK

JUMPED INTO A SWIMMING POOL LANDED ON TOP OF ANOTHER KID CONTUSION TO PENIS

FILLING UP INFLATABLE POOL, USING HAND PUMP, PATIENT STUCK PENIS IN INTAKE VALVE WHILE THEY WERE BLOWING IT UP

HAVING INTERCOURSE W WIFE, WAS INSERTING HIS PENIS WHILE POSITIONING HIS WIFE WHEN JAMMED PENIS ONTO BED POST

AT THE GYM CLOTHING GOT CAUGHT IN THE ROWING MACHINE PULLED BETWEEN SCROTUM AND ANUS PER DAD LIKE A “WEDGIE” PERINEAL HEMATOMA

WAS DANCING WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND & HIS PENIS ACCIDENTALLY GOT CUT ON HER PANTS ZIPPER

GOT PENIS CAUGHT ON BELT BUCKLE AND POSSIBLY CRUSHED

PLAYING WITH MOM’S EXERCISE BAND WHEN IT SNAPPED BACK HITTING HIS PENIS

RIDING A STATIONARY BIKE, STANDING UP WITH FEET ON PEDALS WHEN HE SLIPPED AND FELL HITTING HIS PENIS AGAINST SEAT

HAD AN ERECTION AND PULLED HIS JEANS OVER HIS PENIS AND IT FELT LIKE IT BENT

WAS JUMPING ON BED, PLAYING WITH CHOPSTICKS. CHOPSTICKS WENT THRU SWEAT PANTS AND PUNCTURED SCROTUM

HIT IN THE PENIS WITH A SOCCER BALL- HE CANNOT FEEL HIS PENIS

HAD A 22 CALIBER HANDGUN IN HIS PANTS POCKET WHEN IT DISCHARGED AND BLEW PENIS OFF AMPUTATED PENIS

WAS JUMPING W/ SPATULA IN HIS HAND 1 HR AGO AND JUMPED ON IT SCROTUM LACERATION

DOING THE “WORM” MANEUVER ON CARPETING WHILE NAKED AND SUSTAINED A LACERATION TO PENIS