Under Armour Is Trying Way Too Hard To Be Cool

Under Armour doesn’t just make ugly shoes, they also come up with dumb slogans too.

Darren Rovell reports, and a quick search of the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office electronic system confirms, that Under Armour filed for a handful of new trademarks in the past month. Under Armour is trying to cut into Nike’s market share, and their most marketable player by far is the Golden State Warriors’s Stephen Curry. Their next biggest basketball star, according to HoopsHype, is ... Brandon Jennings? Enes Kanter?

Anyway, Rovell reports that the following trademarks are all related to Curry:

The Patron Saint of Underdogs

The League’s Most Unguardable Player

The Game’s New Creative Genius

Baby-Faced Assassin

Fall Back

Charged By Belief

Goddamn, those are terrible! Can’t you just imagine laughing as some corny announcer screams “and a deep three from The Patron Saint of Underdogs!” And these were only the phrases that Under Armour thought were good enough to spend their time trademarking; can you imagine what these overpaid marketing executives came up with that was worse? Rovell even reports that one of the phrases, “Charged By Belief,” is already in use by Under Armour.

These aren’t the only trademarks Under Armour has filed for recently, however. It isn’t clear if these are related to Curry, some other player, or the overall Under Armour brand, but in the past six months they’ve trademarked:

Get Your Feet Straight

Slay The Next Giant

Charged Cushioning

The Future Is Ours

Racecase

No Art For Art’s Sake

I Will What I Want

Earn Your Armour

Go Where You Don’t Belong

The Athletes Of The Next Generation

Marketing, man.

E-mail or gchat the author: kevin.draper@deadspin.com | PGP key + fingerprint | Photo via AP