So There's This Big Soccer Game Today, I'm Told

Okay. Take a look to the east. See the sun rising? Okay, look at the little blotch of land right below it. Don't see it? Here, use my binoculars. Hmm... you still don't see it? Okay, well look at this Mercator projection map. Right there. England. Located somewhere in that country, probably in that city where all the roads are, there's a soccer game about to go down between unbeaten Arsenal and just-that-one-time beaten Manchester United. One versus two.

It should be a fantastic game, even if they both don't have flawless records. Comparatively, I can only speculate how hyped the Patriots-Colts game would be if one of the teams had a single loss. Preliminary abacus movements calculate that it would probably de-Peter-Kingify by 40 percent.

But Man U. and ... [pause, looks up abbreviation for the other team] A-Nal comprise a historically stronger rival than New England and Indianapolis. Wikipedia said so. And the two don't play again in league play until April 12, but by then we'll be within four years of Darren Daulton's doomsday prediction, so by then our mind will likely concern more important affairs.

So I don't know how you soccer fans here in the States can wake up at 8 a.m. on a Saturday and get jazzed up for a soccer game, let alone any game. But I know ya do. And if you need a prediction, I'll go with Manchester United 2-0, for the sole reason that they've had a longer break between games. I can sense many of you Rockies fans nodding in agreement.

Just kidding. I can't sense a thing — I'm asleep right now.

As Good As It Gets [Sky Sports]