Papelboned: Dong Grab Earns Phillies Closer Seven-Game Ban

MLB announced tonight that Jonathan Papelbon will be suspended seven games for grabbing his penis toward booing Phillies fans, which is a sentence I consider it a privilege to have been able to write.

MLB did not buy Papelbon's explanation that he was merely adjusting his jockstrap. Instead, barring an appeal, he will not be touching any more (base)balls for the next seven days.

The Phillies, who are fucking sick of Papelbon yet may be stuck with him for another two seasons thanks to an achievable vesting option, released a statement completely throwing him under the bus for his Papelboner:

"The Phillies fully support the decision of the Commissioner's Office, which has exclusive jurisdiction for on-field player behavior. By Major League Baseball rules, the Phillies have no authority to make official judgments about activity which occurs on the field or to determine the appropriate penalty for misconduct. We apologize to our fans for the actions of our player yesterday."

Papelbon's seven-game suspension is longer than the three games handed to Marlins pitcher Anthony DeSclafani for his role in last Thursday's near-beanbrawl. Because MLB is hilarious and is absolutely more worried about crotchgrabs than about throwing baseballs at people's heads.