Just So You Know, A Real Archer Would Destroy These Olympic Pretenders On The Field Of Combat

I tried watching some Olympic archery competitions. It made me sick. All I saw were a bunch of stationary cowards, shooting arrows in a highly controlled environment while aided by the kind of high-tech equipment you’d expect to find in a Navy SEAL’s locker. I couldn’t stop thinking about how Lars Andersen, my one true hero and the only archer that’s worth a damn in this backward modern society of ours, would leave these faux archers in a bloody heap on a real battlefield.

Remember Lars? He’s the dude does all the insanely good archery tricks, which he learned from studying ancient manuscripts:

Now imagine a medieval battlefield. On one side, you have this bucket-hatted knob:

And on the other side, you have Lars, a man capable of catching an arrow that his been fired at him and then shooting that arrow back at his opponent. How do you think that fight’s gonna go down? Probably like this:

Video by Tim Burke

This is Gawker Media’s last week as an independent media operation, and while that shouldn’t affect you much one way or the other as a reader, we’re still going to take advantage of a pretext to run some especially stupid posts. If you have any ideas for such posts, hit us at tips@deadspin.com.