If You Grill All These Foods On Memorial Day, The Planets Will Align

Cold fusion. Mars colonization. A cure for cancer. Peace on earth. Cute li’l goals, I guess, if you’re looking for a self-esteem boost.

Real ambition is grilling your way through this menu in one glorious Memorial Day cookout. You’ll have to invite everyone in town to justify making all this food, but if you pull it off, Congress will laser your name into the surface of the moon. That’s actually in the Constitution! The heroes we honor with this holiday fought to make it so.

Alternatively, you could just pick one or two things off here, and make them, and have a pleasant meal with your loved ones instead of working yourself to death. Up to you, buddy.

Skirt steak

Flank steak

A T-bone the size of your entire head

Cheeseburgers

Slow-roasted shoulder

Ribs

Barbecue thighs

Boneless, skinless breasts

Whole fish

Smoke salmon

Kebabs

Grilled vegetables

Potato salad

Deviled eggs

Macaroni salad

Cheap American beers

Tubular freezer pops

“Juice”

Iced tea

Carbonated soft drinks

Good luck, good eating, and happy Memorial Day.

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Albert Burneko is an eating enthusiast and father of two. His writing appeared in Best Food Writing 2014 by DaCapo Press. Peevishly correct his foolishness on Twitter @albertburneko, or send him your creepy longform hate-missives at albert.burneko@deadspin.com. Illustration by Sam Woolley.

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