Fan Writes Letter To Pelicans Asking For $1 Million Contract

I know what the jerseys look like, but the Pelicans are a real NBA team. With professional players and everything. You can't just get a job by writing them a polite, poorly spelled letter—hold on, did you say you're better than LeBron and "Kobie?"

Pelicans.com writer Jim Eichenhofer shared this letter on Twitter today, and it's just bounding with the optimism and disregard for reality that the Pelicans are going to need this year. An attempted transcription, slightly cleaned up but still so very sic'd:

How would you like a 1 mill a year superstar better than KD LeBron James MJ Kobie Bryant. I am serious I'm top notch. I haven’t played in 5 years and can do it all. Need to practice I am rusty. I am 6'3" to 6'5" can do shot’s block post pass defend rebound steal run do it all. Come get in touch I’ll be top of the NBA in two years. I'm [redacted] want only 1 mill for life a year. At least come get me trian me one year. Phone [redacted] [???] [redacted]. I'm what you need for total success. I play hurt sick and still win. See ya.

No, we'll be seeing you. After Charlotte asks New Orleans to pass on this guy's contact info.